Time to trash pretense

An affront to pretense

I’ve always managed to shackle myself to other people’s expectations. Even at the age of 33, I still fall into my own entrapment when I’m simply trying to gain some semblence of acceptance around my peers. Believe it or not boys and girls, the whole popularity contest bull shit doesn’t end. It just gets a little more subtle as you get older, but the end result is always the same. It’s high school all over again. Ugh…it’s exhausting!

But frankly, I don’t want to to focus too long on the negative aspects of social bureaucracy…it’s annoying, depressing, and not something I want to associate myself with any longer.

I’m sitting here bobbing my head to Drakes , and I start to realize how often I’ve held so much of myself back with the people I thought were friends, all for the sake of pretense. It was more a paralysis than anything I was consciously aware of. As if a part of my personality completely shut down when I was around others. And I never quite fit in, regardless of my efforts.

But I’m listening to music, bobbing my head like an idiot, singing to myself, and I am completely in my own element. Don’t get me wrong…I understand that these private moments to ourselves is something that most people wouldn’t ordinarily share with others. And yes, I understand that who we are alone, and what we portray to others when we’re around them, are two very different persona’s.

But I’m so sick of hiding myself. I’m just over it. It’s been more to my detriment, than anything else. It’s kind of made me miserable, to be honest with you.

This new year’s new mantra is becoming “Fuck Pretense!”

Pretense is the real vice

Let’s see how this year fairs. Last year was full of epiphanies and life changing experiences that I have yet to share on here. I’ve taken a rather long hiatus from blogging, but I’m itching to write a lot more frequently. So much in my head…got relieve that pressure cooker before it all explodes in the worst possible form. Till then…

And sometimes…you just can’t delete

Delete key (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I hate it when I realize that the comment I left on someones blog, while coming from a genuine place, looks like it was written by a grammatically-challenged teenager (although I’m sure I’m sounding redundant).

The worst part…I can’t delete it.

I would have made due with editing it…but nope, not even that.

Do-overs apparently don’t apply to the internet anymore *sigh*

A Wedding Video That Proves Life Is Beautiful

In considering what my own my vision of what my wedding would be like, I stumbled upon this gem of a wedding video. It’s unconventional, earthy, hip…and simply beautiful. I wish a long life of  fulfillment, happiness, and more good than bad times to this gorgeous and stylish couple 🙂

by Geoff Boothby / Landshark

Posted by @pedrosalma

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Dealing with the sting of job rejections; the will to move on! ;)

Job Rejections

There’s not much catharsis to getting that rejection letter sent to you, soon after you’ve interviewed for a job you’ve been pining for…and we’re talking months here folks.  Waiting was the easy part. Receiving the letter with those god awful words was nauseating, to say the least, however.

There’s always that thought of “will I ever find a job?” and the stress of ensuring that you’ll have enough money to pay for the ensuing months’ bills.

But for myself, at least, a rejection from a job opportunity seems to reverberate far more than simply not getting the job. I begin to question my own self worth and whether I’m adequate enough for any job really.

I know, I know, I’m the walking poster child for low self esteem it seems. My reaction isn’t exactly the healthiest, and contrary to what others tell you, a lot feel the exact same way.

Having another sleepless night, and enduring the sting (or stink) of rejection is more than I want to bear. I want to feel OK about all this. In short…

…I want to move beyond it.

But first, here’s the painfully obvious: today’s job market is tight (I’ll resist the urge to insert some offensive metaphors here, but you get the picture). Even low end jobs in retail chains like Target, and fast food joints like McDonald’s having become increasingly finicky with who they decide to hire.  It’s become a sad state of affairs, with so many professionals out of work, but with so few job openings. Employers have their pick of the lot…

So keeping that in mind, I let myself wallow in my little pit of despair. I basically gave myself a time limit of half a day. I originally had it at two hours, but two turned into three, then four…well, you get the picture.

Before writing this blog post, I decided to look up how others dealt with their small calamity of job rejections. I stumbled upon some rather informative, albeit therapeutic posts here, here, and here.  Admittedly, there’s countless others on the net, but these three seemed to help the most.

The take home lesson from all this can be summed up in these following statements (which I’ve stolen from the the third blog post here), and that is:

“When I hear the word “No!”…oh well. So what? Next!”

Like she says. There are seven BILLION people in the world. Go ask someone else. Get interviewed by someone else. And if you feel that sting again…oh well, so what…NEXT! 😉

Three camps of people. Which one are you in?

Good versus Evil

There’s you…and then there’s everybody else.

Most people do what’s expected. Which is how it should be at times…in other words, I expect that when I’m talking with you, you don’t pull out a gun and blow my brains out. This kind of societal control is good…for painstakingly obvious reasons.

Then there’s the societal pressure to treat people like shit, simply because you either (a) can, or (b) follow what others are doing. The two aren’t always mutually exclusive.

So there’s two schools of being, if you will. You’re either feeding into the group mentality, or opposed to it.

The third school of thought is rarely encountered. That’s the individual who essentially spends most of their time alone, in reflection, in deep thought…while disconnected from the often trivial rules of society, they’re not too removed from society. This gives them insight an clarity over what’s commencing in today’s world. Priests, monks, buddhist…the enlightened ones, they fall into this category.

I seem to run into a lot more of the “us against you” mentality.  The one’s belonging to the first camp. And the you I’m referring to is none other than yours truly…me.

I’m not going to make false statements about how I don’t care, and that I’m beyond that sort of petty annoyance, generated by equally petty people.

But, being human, affords me emotions, and as a painful human consequence, I do care…a lot.

At the risk of sounding sappy, and well, weak…it hurts to be the odd one out. The person that others are spreading rumors about. That others are trying their hardest to push down, defeat…destroy (ok,, ok, was a little melo-dramatic right there).

But it makes me wonder, while I’m in my stupor. I’ve got tears streaming down my face because of the rejection I feel, and and I start to ask myself…are they threatened? Am I an easy target? Where does all this animosity come from?

For the most part, I’m discovering that, well…people can be real assholes. In fact, astonishingly enough, most of society is composed of dickish, opportunistic, crappy people, governed by fear, insecurity, and this incessant need to be accepted at any cost.

In a nut shell–people suck.

But there’s always exceptions…those that linger on the fringe, so to speak. The periphery of society…where they don’t get suckered into into the peer pressure, despite the risk of losing friends, or making enemies. They do what’s right, every time. They defend the others around them, when the moment calls for it.

I try to be that person, and because of that, understandably, I’m not the most popular, nor am I the most liked.

I don’t play along when someone decides to spread gossipy rumors about another person that are usually untrue, and almost always damaging to the person they’re about.

I never go with the status quo, if that means ostrasizing someone else, or doing anything that would remotely hurt others.

And I am a nice person. Kind…almost to a fault. I’m honest (to a fault…and I can also be hurtful when I’m honest, but my intentions are usually good).

No, I don’t have a halo, and god only know how often the fangs come out…but the majority of the time, my default mode is general being nice and approachable.

I’ve gratefully met others like me.

Some know how to better manuever the shark infested terrain of hurt, insecure, and semi-sociopathic peeps out in the world. They know how to deal, and how to gracefully pull themselves out of a perplexing, and often toxic situation.

I’m still mastering that art at the moment.

In the meantime, I’ll take comfort in the fact that there will be others out there that have a beating heart, and that live in the awareness of their own short comings, in such a way that gives them a greater understanding of the people around them. It’s what keeps people humane, tolerant, and understanding.  It’s what maintains harmony. And that’s what’s been maintaining my sanity.

Experiencing another paradigm shift…

Paradigm Shift by: Kathy

I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve departed from my tumultuous 20’s into what’s supposed to be a more comprehensible 30’s…but I’ve definitely experienced yet another of my myriad and unexpected paradigm shifts.  Ya know the type…where all of a sudden the lens you were looking through in life completely switches on you. I’ve had several of those in the last 7 years alone. Don’t even get me started  onwhat I went through when I first graduated college…*cringe*

My ambition for certain goals in life has definitely been reassessed as a result.  Strange to say that as a result of relinquishing myself from lofty goals, I’ve managed to sustain this peaceful resolve…and dare I say, I’m actually happy. *gasp*

Merely passing was never good enough…I needed to MASTER it! (i.e. I needed to be the shit…and not shit at it, so to speak)

But, in my pursuit of such ambitions, I ended up accomplishing (or not accomplishing, I should say) the very opposite of what I was trying to achieve. Let me tell you…nothing can be more frustrating…or devastating.

In short, folks…I was absolutely miserable.

Now, only until a short time ago, I was still writing posts about the exams I was getting mediocre grades in, even failed attempts at studying, etc.

Now…I’m just happy to get by.

There are some tinges here and there, however. Remnants of the old ambitious me. Always having something to prove. Have too much, in fact.

Damn America and their individualistic, go-getter ideas. Being opportunistic is considered a sin in other parts of the world, ya know.

And I finally get it.

I’ve been the unusually shaped peg, trying to fit into the round and all too perfect hole.

I’m just not that perfectly shaped peg. I am not that perfectly predictable and awesomely amazing person. I am just…Marian.

Not smart Marian. Not weird Marian (although I have my moments *groan* ugh…the awkwardness of it all :-/). Not scholastic Marian. Not pleaser Marian. Not ____ Marian.

To sit in a room and just be…heh, what a concept!

This particular paradigm shift is proving to be most…peaceful (for lack of a better word). I’m riding this wave for as long as I possibly can, since a clarity as a sweet as this is something that’s to be relished. I’m relishing it…putting it on all my hot dogs and sammiches 😉

Remenants of the old me still pop up…and they trip me up every once in a while. But I’m right back whereI left off. In happy-ville. In between I-don’t-need-to-try-so-hard and being practical-is-awesome-in-and-of-itself 🙂

And on that note, considering it’s past midnight, and I have a physical chem midterm I need to continue studying for tomorrow…i’ll bid my readers (all 15 of you) a good night. I may write more on this topic, when I’m not in this deleriously sleepy stupor I’m in…

Makin’ my lemonade ;)

"The Good Life"

…and frankly, it’ kinda is 😀

 

When life seems overwhelming…

…just take a deep breath and say to yourself “fuck it!” then go on your merry business.

So here’s the kicker–as much as you may say to yourself “oh my God, I have so much shit to do!” you also secretly love how busy and occupied you are. Well, maybe you’re not completely aware of that secret love, but trust me, my friend…it’s there.

You also want to admit to yourself that while it may seem like an overwhelming amount of work you have to do, you always get it done, you get it done on time, and you do it well.

So breath deeply and steadily. All that with isn’t going to grow into a monstrosity (well…you won’t let it) and suffocate you to death. You’re working on getting it done…and so therefore it will be done. End of story 🙂

Sometimes, you just have to cry it out

"Crying on the sky" by fish-wings

Sometimes the anxiety in your life just keeps building and compounding in on itself.  You say to yourself “you’re ok,” or you simply try to ignore the feeling.  But the nature of anxiety doesn’t quite let up that easily.  It’s relentless in its pursuit to make you feel as nervous and as unsure of yourself as possible.

Especially when things are not quite going your way. Despite how hard you work, and regardless of your good intentions or good deeds…good karma just isn’t quite finding its way to you.

When all that just gets to be too much, it only takes a sobbing character on a show like Glee, to get you to sob uncontrollably…snot, and all.

In all honesty, sometimes you really do have to just cry it out. Releasing all that tension, surprisingly enough, feels really good after. You were so tense before all this, then you let the tears pour forth…and you suddenly feel a little lighter. The situation hasn’t changed. You’re still overwhelmed. But, at least you’ve felt some release from the pressure cooker building in your mind.

I think I’ve come to a couple realizations in all this. While I would love to do well with whatever it is I’m working so hard in, I can only do my best…meaning, after that, it’s out of my hands.  Hard work doesn’t always equal to huge success. So, that equation in my life needs to be discarded, and fast.

There’s also no point in succeeding at something, or not succeeding for that matter, if you’re miserable the whole way there. I enjoy what I study, but I’m not necessarily amazing it. I have at tendency to fixate on my performance, rather on the reasons why I went into science in the first place. Is it really about being brilliant? Or perhaps it’s about how curious you are about the world. I’m hungry to know and understand, but that does not necessarily have to correlate to excellence or mastery. I may just well be the slowest in my class, but I am thorough…isn’t that what it’s all about, anyways?

Whatever the case, I suppose I’ll continue to have these crying sessions, until I fully accept my limitations, and embrace my reasons for pursuing science, and my fixating more on my own personal strengths.

But lets get a couple of things straight here…

Truth: I am not the smartest, nor am I the quickest.

BUT, I love to learn, and can be a pretty damn good teacher. I also ask the right questions, and what I lack in mastery and quickness, I make up for in insight and ingenuity. I may never be the best at what I do, but I don’t know of any major discovery that was every really founded by a person who had the highest IQ. Not even Einstein.

So, all in all (as my sorry excuse of an English professor has so exclaimed) tears lead to other things beside release. They lead to acceptance, resolve, and a willingness to move beyond. I suppose that what Zen must feel like. If only temporarily 😉

Prep and Ponder. Hmm…*then* post

"Thinking" by retro2k

I think a lot about what I’m about to blog.

I think so hard about it, and I’m flooded with so many thoughts, that the task becomes daunting, and turns my spark of an idea into a chore of a project.

I collect pictures, I jot down my little ideas,  and like the picture above so accurately portrays…I think.

Contemplation is probably my strongest asset, and I would say my biggest curse.

I can stay locked in my head, and anticipate so many potential events, that it, in a sense, entraps me.

But I’m no shriveling wallflower. And I’m more an action oriented person–once all that thinking ends…after so many months haha.

Eh, so it goes 😉

But for now, I ponder….I prep…and then I post 🙂